It's taken me over three weeks to get back here. Life keeps on getting in the way. This new blog is going to be irregular at best so bear with me. I just had to look up if it was bear or bare. I thought "bear" sounded odd but "bare" sounded even worse. Note to self: don't use such phrases in future.
Following on from my last post, it seems the electrician did something right when he came out as we've not had any problems with our laundry since. Until the next problem that is! So no, I haven't called the tribunal and we haven't made any plans to flee the house before it turns in on us. I don't really want to move until we're ready to do so.
A week or so after my near-death laundry experience, I had a baffling allergic reaction to milk which rendered my appearance similar to a pox victim. The rashes appearance was as alarming as it was sudden. My work colleagues looked at me worryingly and sent me off to the GP. I went to the doctor, popped a Zyrtec and in 24 hours it was all gone. I have just drunk some milk, three weeks after the event and am happy to report I can go back to drinking it. I may just be allergic to work. That's possible, right?
Next week I'm off to Melbourne on a solo mission for All Tomorrow's Parties. I. Can't. Wait! Except for the public transport shitfight that I know will happen, it's going to be brilliant. My Bloody Valentine! Thee Oh Sees! Einsturzende Neubauten! So many other fantastic bands! I'm contemplating getting a hire car for the second day and exploring bits of Melbourne I wouldn't normally get to, before heading to the festival. But will see how I feel, I suspect Saturday will be a very late night.
Friday 8 February 2013
Tuesday 15 January 2013
Poltergeist
I suspect this house is built on an ancient burial ground. It's either that or it's a piece of shit, but it's more fun to believe we're cursed or something.
When we moved here, it was the best of a bad bunch. We were issued our marching orders from our last place when I was seven months pregnant. We scrambled to look for places in a similar range but what we found was mostly dire, mouldy, stinky, overgrown. This place wasn't much better but we liked the backyard and thought if it were painted it would have potential. This was our "it'll do, for now" place. Four and a half years later and I think the time to move is finally coming.
Last week I was zapped by a power point. Not just a little zap but a full shock traveling up and down my arm. This house has given us a lot of shit over the years. Termites, part of the ceiling falling in Master P's room, rusted gutters threatening to collapse into the backyard, plagues of vermin, recurring mould. We've fought through it all, complained, got the real estate agents to fix things, fixed things ourselves and kept the place in a reasonable living condition. But now I'm scared. The shock could have hospitalised me or worse. I saw my GP and had an ECG, all clear and back to work the next day thankfully. It took a week for an electrician to come out and have a look at the dodgy power point. He said there was little he could do as he suspected there was damp in the wiring and it could well happen again. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccck.
Tomorrow I ring the tribunal to work out what all of our options are. I wouldn't be surprised if moving is the only real option presented. I don't particularly want to do that (who does?), we love our neighbourhood and the rent sucks around here. If moving is our only option, we will delay it until after our holidays and hope there aren't any further attempts on our lives between now and then!
When we moved here, it was the best of a bad bunch. We were issued our marching orders from our last place when I was seven months pregnant. We scrambled to look for places in a similar range but what we found was mostly dire, mouldy, stinky, overgrown. This place wasn't much better but we liked the backyard and thought if it were painted it would have potential. This was our "it'll do, for now" place. Four and a half years later and I think the time to move is finally coming.
Last week I was zapped by a power point. Not just a little zap but a full shock traveling up and down my arm. This house has given us a lot of shit over the years. Termites, part of the ceiling falling in Master P's room, rusted gutters threatening to collapse into the backyard, plagues of vermin, recurring mould. We've fought through it all, complained, got the real estate agents to fix things, fixed things ourselves and kept the place in a reasonable living condition. But now I'm scared. The shock could have hospitalised me or worse. I saw my GP and had an ECG, all clear and back to work the next day thankfully. It took a week for an electrician to come out and have a look at the dodgy power point. He said there was little he could do as he suspected there was damp in the wiring and it could well happen again. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccck.
Tomorrow I ring the tribunal to work out what all of our options are. I wouldn't be surprised if moving is the only real option presented. I don't particularly want to do that (who does?), we love our neighbourhood and the rent sucks around here. If moving is our only option, we will delay it until after our holidays and hope there aren't any further attempts on our lives between now and then!
Friday 28 December 2012
And so that was Christmas
We survived! This month has been difficult, the most difficult one since October. My grief came back to smack me up the head some more. Many say the first Christmas after loss is the hardest and I'd agree. In my case, I couldn't stop imagining my alternate reality, the one where I was the stay at home mum to a four year old and a newborn. It was hard to deal with the "could have beens". It was even harder to answer the questions of people at parties who had heard that I was pregnant but didn't receive the follow-up news. I dealt with it by offering the simplest of answers and not entering into further discussion, throwing myself into other things and then collapsing into horrible crying sessions at home.
We attended a memorial service run by SIDS and Kids NSW in early December. Such a simple act, but one that brought us some degree of closure. P even participated in the service, by hanging E's bauble on the Christmas tree and joining in on a noisy rendition of Jingle Bells. It was a very bittersweet experience, to be surrounded by families all in different stages of grief, but watching all of our living children laughing and playing. Christmas Day felt similar.
There were moments of brightness in amongst my sadness. P's increasing excitement was an absolute joy to watch. It's the first Christmas that he's been fully into it. We went to visit Father Christmas. We went to parties and watched P race around on sugar highs, laughing hysterically and talking about "toilet words". And on Christmas morning, I saw his little face beam as he got his first present, a Star Wars sticker book out of his stocking. And then he went into overdrive when he saw everything else! That was fun to watch.
And now it is over, I have returned to my new normal. We have a lot of exciting things planned for the first few months of 2013.
We attended a memorial service run by SIDS and Kids NSW in early December. Such a simple act, but one that brought us some degree of closure. P even participated in the service, by hanging E's bauble on the Christmas tree and joining in on a noisy rendition of Jingle Bells. It was a very bittersweet experience, to be surrounded by families all in different stages of grief, but watching all of our living children laughing and playing. Christmas Day felt similar.
There were moments of brightness in amongst my sadness. P's increasing excitement was an absolute joy to watch. It's the first Christmas that he's been fully into it. We went to visit Father Christmas. We went to parties and watched P race around on sugar highs, laughing hysterically and talking about "toilet words". And on Christmas morning, I saw his little face beam as he got his first present, a Star Wars sticker book out of his stocking. And then he went into overdrive when he saw everything else! That was fun to watch.
And now it is over, I have returned to my new normal. We have a lot of exciting things planned for the first few months of 2013.
Tuesday 18 December 2012
2012 - a bunch of lists because I'm lazy like that
People I am grateful for this year:
* T. For all the support and love in the world.
* My boy. I do not think I could have got through the second half of this year without P. I just don't know how I would have managed. He saved me. He showed me that there is still beauty, love, laughter and kindness in the world, even on days that were a bottomless pit of awfulness.
* My 20 weeks with baby E. I would be more grateful if he were with me now, of course, but that is not going to happen. E, thank you for being with me. Thank you for the gifts and insights you have given us. We love you always, baby boy.
* Friends. For being there with shoulders to cry on, wine, rant time and laughter.
* Family. For being there with emotional, spiritual and practical support, no matter what. For loving us, no matter what.
* New friendships, online and in real life.
* The women of the US Babycenter boards.
* My obstetrician and GP.
* My second counsellor and SIDS and Kids.
People who can go and suck a big fat one:
* The patrons who screamed at me in my previous job, in my grieving, post natal state, for not offering the "right level" of service, for not pandering to their every whim despite bending over backwards to accommodate their needs. Fuck you all, you entitled petty arseholes. I suppose I should also partly thank you for being the catalyst for me to change fields.
* My first counsellor. Rolling your eyes because I don't agree with your insistence that I do IVF with PGD to cope with my loss, seriously?
* My previous supervisor. Where do I even begin?! My previous job started going south in April, several events had me second guessing my competency and my suitability for the role. But I had other, more pressing concerns, such as the health of my baby. When I returned after my loss, my job had become a nightmare. The passive-aggression, the lack of understanding, being stripped of my duties with six weeks left on my contract. The experience soured me on a profession that I loved, that I wanted to make a career out of. I still can. But obviously I won't be returning to that particular workplace.
Random stuff which made this year more bearable:
* Jane Eyre. I came to it much later in life than others. I was drawn in by the latest film version which, while beautifully filmed and well-adapted, came off as somewhat implausible. I became obsessed with the book and then started watching adaptations trying to find the best match. Still looking for that by the way, but I think 2006 is probably the closest match.
* Prometheus. For being unbearably shit and becoming the punchline to so many our jokes.
* The Wire. Again, another thing we are late to the party with. Wow.
* Game of Thrones. Utterly compelling.
* Beach House's "Bloom" and Grizzly Bear's "Shields".
* Planning trips away in early 2013. Including P's first international trip, so exciting!
* Beck at the Harvest Festival. Mike Patton in the rain, in the Domain. Jane Birkin at the Adelaide Festival. The Raveonettes being more interesting and cool than the Brian Jonestown Massacre.
* T. For all the support and love in the world.
* My boy. I do not think I could have got through the second half of this year without P. I just don't know how I would have managed. He saved me. He showed me that there is still beauty, love, laughter and kindness in the world, even on days that were a bottomless pit of awfulness.
* My 20 weeks with baby E. I would be more grateful if he were with me now, of course, but that is not going to happen. E, thank you for being with me. Thank you for the gifts and insights you have given us. We love you always, baby boy.
* Friends. For being there with shoulders to cry on, wine, rant time and laughter.
* Family. For being there with emotional, spiritual and practical support, no matter what. For loving us, no matter what.
* New friendships, online and in real life.
* The women of the US Babycenter boards.
* My obstetrician and GP.
* My second counsellor and SIDS and Kids.
People who can go and suck a big fat one:
* The patrons who screamed at me in my previous job, in my grieving, post natal state, for not offering the "right level" of service, for not pandering to their every whim despite bending over backwards to accommodate their needs. Fuck you all, you entitled petty arseholes. I suppose I should also partly thank you for being the catalyst for me to change fields.
* My first counsellor. Rolling your eyes because I don't agree with your insistence that I do IVF with PGD to cope with my loss, seriously?
* My previous supervisor. Where do I even begin?! My previous job started going south in April, several events had me second guessing my competency and my suitability for the role. But I had other, more pressing concerns, such as the health of my baby. When I returned after my loss, my job had become a nightmare. The passive-aggression, the lack of understanding, being stripped of my duties with six weeks left on my contract. The experience soured me on a profession that I loved, that I wanted to make a career out of. I still can. But obviously I won't be returning to that particular workplace.
Random stuff which made this year more bearable:
* Jane Eyre. I came to it much later in life than others. I was drawn in by the latest film version which, while beautifully filmed and well-adapted, came off as somewhat implausible. I became obsessed with the book and then started watching adaptations trying to find the best match. Still looking for that by the way, but I think 2006 is probably the closest match.
* Prometheus. For being unbearably shit and becoming the punchline to so many our jokes.
* The Wire. Again, another thing we are late to the party with. Wow.
* Game of Thrones. Utterly compelling.
* Beach House's "Bloom" and Grizzly Bear's "Shields".
* Planning trips away in early 2013. Including P's first international trip, so exciting!
* Beck at the Harvest Festival. Mike Patton in the rain, in the Domain. Jane Birkin at the Adelaide Festival. The Raveonettes being more interesting and cool than the Brian Jonestown Massacre.
Saturday 15 December 2012
2012 in pictures
January - Before seeing Mike Patton in the Domain and the torrential deluge that accompanied his set.
What's happening here?
Our favourite hang-out at the beginning of the year.
A very blurry Jane Birkin at the Adelaide Festival.
My very own Harry Potter. Unfortunately too small to fight Voldemort.
Hello baby E
Symbolic of my pregnancy weight gain.
One of a series of titled "Waiting in the fucking FMU"
My only real bump photo - 17 weeks.
The worst days of my life.
Things that kept me sane - the support of dear friends
One thing I became obsessed with
Escape
Family - as depicted by Master P
Escape #2
Even in Buffy's sushi pyjamas, I couldn't kick this year's arse. But next year I will.
Thursday 15 November 2012
Here I go again
So I'm back. What a year it's been, and it's not over yet. I wish I could say good things about this year; by and large, it has resembled something equal to the fifth circle of hell..
2012 has been a trying year. Fuck "trying", it's been devastating. My baby boy, E, is gone. The circumstances surrounding that loss are hard for me to recount here, yet I have recounted them many times through specific online forums. I even attempted to write it all out in my previous blog but I fear that's more far more detail than I am willing to share in blogland. Maybe I will one day, but it's something I prefer to tell in person with a few drinks under my belt.
I start this blog as a means of chronicling the lighter, sillier things going on in my life, then and now. My daft obsessions, our adventures with and without Master P. The bright moments that have been overshadowed by everything bad that has happened this year. I know 2012 has had some good moments, somewhere. I'm going to tease them out and do everything I can to make the last 46 days of this year awesome.
2012 has been a trying year. Fuck "trying", it's been devastating. My baby boy, E, is gone. The circumstances surrounding that loss are hard for me to recount here, yet I have recounted them many times through specific online forums. I even attempted to write it all out in my previous blog but I fear that's more far more detail than I am willing to share in blogland. Maybe I will one day, but it's something I prefer to tell in person with a few drinks under my belt.
I start this blog as a means of chronicling the lighter, sillier things going on in my life, then and now. My daft obsessions, our adventures with and without Master P. The bright moments that have been overshadowed by everything bad that has happened this year. I know 2012 has had some good moments, somewhere. I'm going to tease them out and do everything I can to make the last 46 days of this year awesome.
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